TO THE YEAR WE ALL THOUGHT WE HAD FIGURED OUT!

POV: listening to Mayourkun say ‘Ge Ge’ in a loop while the volume is turned down to 4. My President FK Abudu who was thrown out undemocratically in a coup by the current Nigerian government, is speaking over her podcast. I’m multitasking because sometimes I may be good at that. How else would I also be typing out this blog post?  It’s simply because my president FK could also multitask when she was at the helm of affairs and we needed her at the same time in different parts of the country. All she had to do was type out in her various press releases  ”We’re on it” and everywhere mmara mma.

Hey there, I want you to imagine me waving at you and having this huge grin on my face that usually erupts into laughter because that’s normally how I’m seen by my friends and by God you are my friend in this moment and I need you to know that. Can you believe what today is? It’s not long ago I posted “Happy New Month” on my WhatsApp status to anyone who viewed that faithful morning and viola, we are counting down to Christmas already dammit. Wow.

Oopss…since you are reading this now; I’ll just simply say I was supposed to post this to you on or before Christmas as a Christmas gift. Don’t expect too much from me dammit! Gbajabiamila led-house apologized to the presidency after all for failing in his duties as the executive arm of government so, Yes I’ll also need you to apologize to me for making me type and abandon this beautiful work of art.

2020…haha, the year we all said was going to be our year. Omo!! That’s all I can type out to describe what this year has been because we have been through a lotttt… Jesus bu Eze. Everything happened this year and at the same time our lives had to be placed on pause as a result of the pandemic. We lost a lot of loved ones this year both old men and women down to the youths. It was really a tough year and in this moment I choose to simply be thankful.

 A lot of people have been on their December thanksgiving brouhaha but in all honesty this is not what this post is entirely about because I’m angry most times but I want to see the rainbow in my clouds right now. So, shall we begin?

I am grateful for family because in spite the fact my mother don use me for house girl  finish without pay, I get to have family members I hug occasionally when I wake up each morning in the cold city of Jos after my mother wakes us all up to pray to Jesus as early as 0500hrs. Dearly beloved, this habit needs to be stopped. We need to move prayers to 7:45am because we no longer have children in this compound who are to resume at school as early as 8:00am. Madam, that’s why we sent these kids back to their parents for goodness sake.  Anyway, I hug my family members occasionally as romance in me is dead. Yoruba men made sure of it. I do hug my brother every other odd time because he hates it and he shoves me to the wall every time it happens. That’s usually fun.

I’m grateful for good health.  My body did not fail me as often as it does this year. Can you believe I didn’t have to sleep in a hospital this year? I didn’t give my mother high BP because I am being too weak to keep my eyes open and in typical Nigerian mother prayer warrior pattern, she didn’t have to drag my eyes to remain open coz God forbid I cannot be tired in the mighty name of Jesus simply because I am an Israelite. Madam, na sick I sick. I will not die right now in Jesus name. The matter of being an Israelite though, I do believe because why else won’t I have my NIN number?  They go soon block my SIM card for this country and I will have no option but to go back to Israel. (Bashir abeg, do something. Beg your boss to have mercy on me. I cannot go and queue anywhere some 4 days to Christmas. Have mercy on me for the mere fact I follow you on twitter. Biko).

Edit: the NIN registration closing date brouhaha has been moved till the end of January if I remember correctly. Praise Jesus! We still got time.

I would have had a different year ending this year too you know. I would have joined the great number of people who tweeted “I said yes” with an accompanying picture of my left hand holding my fingers up, donning a sizeable carat worth diamond ring I can get to still sell off when my husband wants a divorce in the next 30 or something years(God forbid to me divorcing biko). My village people said No to my dreams mehnn. Village people coz I really mean my brother’s wife who has been married for some years now.

Nwanyi a  really cock-blocked my marriage proposal from a thriving Anambra man. I was at her place the other day to greet and waka pass and she had a visitor at her place who asked about me when I left them. Her visitor told her she liked me and she has a brother who is a businessman in Onitsha. She claims I’m definitely his Spec. Dearly beloved, can you please tell me why my aunt told this woman I won’t be interested because “we no want oo”. Madam, are you me? Do you know my spec?  For goodness sake, nwoke ahu nwere container na Onitsha. I don’t know where else my aunty thinks I’m going to see an Anambra man with Onitsha container money. This is how my village member took matters into her own hands and prevented my wedding from happening in this glorious year. Alas, all the Saturdays in the year are over. It is well.

Edit: it is also worthy of mention that my sugar daddy decided this is the year he had to get married to the love of his life. Have Yoruba Kings shown me shege? Yes, but I’ll give this story another day Insha Allah when the Federal Government of Nigera allows me to use my sim without the NIN registration.

With all that has happened in this year, I am most grateful for my mental health. This year tested me in more ways than I could keep count, being relatively sane was what kept me. I’m grateful for the people who took out time to listen to me through the year. I don’t think I get to tell them often. Crucial moments where I was falling, they were there to remind me who THATHAUSAIBOGEH truly is. I can’t start singling people out in order to show my gratitude for what they are to me so I will refrain from doing just that lest it looks as though I’m favoring some people over others.

Edit; to my darling daughter Fateeha who my fellow wife delivered of for me, I am grateful to the high heavens for you nwam. This is also me being mad partial but its okay. Chimaobim Candy, shout out to you too you Opobo offspring. I’m grateful for you too.

I am grateful for the SORO SOKE generation. We did not inherit the silence of our parents. To the ones we lost, I am grateful. You will forever remain in our hearts.

This blog post is getting a tad bit lengthy and we both know, the only reason you may have gotten to this part is because you are trying to keep awake at the cross over service being held in your church right now. If that be the case, I suggest you log out now and commit the New Year into prayers. I do not permit you to play tumbo tumbo with my 2021. Respect yourself and please commit the year to master Jesus please dear.

I’m grateful for you and I pray we get to do this again in the coming year. Thank you for riding with me. This is getting cheesy I know but I was momentarily distracted by @whitenigeriangirl IG post right now and she was being all mushy there so here we are.

Edit; there is this church in my area I usually complain about their speakers, they are having cross-over service right now so I’m being compelled to sing along so I have to bring this post to an end.

For the year had, to the experiences  we are yet to embark on, to the people we’ve loved and to those we haven’t met yet…Thank you.

In this year, let’s learn to be grateful for life and not spend a second Not living as we truly wish to be.

Happy end of year!!

Edit: we already know the drill. My new year begins on the 7^th of January so shallah to you till then. KPK!!!

P.S; You can listen to Fk and Jolla here  https://midasradio.fanlink.to/ISWIS

Official Happy New Year Day.

Christmas in my country is celebrated in peculiar ways amongst the various tribes that makes up the motherland. I am Nigerian, motherland should not be confused with Ghana. We know ourselves no be say we be friends.

Those in the northern states go about preparing meals and drinks which we share to our neighbors because, while the ram meat was given to a Christian family during the Sallah celebration, a mental note is being made on which Muslim family is getting Christmas food seeing that Mary is already pregnant and which ever neighbor or friend who came through with “it’s small Sallah” excuse and doesn’t give you food, then you plan to pay back come December. Anyway, I always look forward to getting “kunu” in view of the fact my family no longer makes kunu na so so wine and beverages dem dey drink. Plus, the weather this season has attuned to winter properly (you commoners call it harmattan but it’s alright).

Those in the southwestern part of my country decide it’s “Detty December” for them. It’s all a parte after parte situation over there. From one Christmas party event to the other, With Lagos posing as the capital city for chop life and entertainment, various artistes get to have their concerts the very December coz what better time to chop citizens money without remorse than when the IJGB are sandwiched with their elite friends?? Meanwhile, the mantra for this December was definitely “No mannaz” hence Mafo! Marlians step forward the rest didkdidniendixjdien.(I’m not a real marlian you see?? I wear belt therefore I have no idea what their president says…Padin me)

The entire city of Lagos is filled up and traffic on it’s own which has the total population of Beijing stuck on the highway. As an average Nigerian, definitely you’ll be in that traffic for at least 4-5 hours then you come online to join all those yeye people who act as though being caught in traffic which is not usually their real life daily routine while living in traffic. Shut up Doyin. Stop tweeting rubbish. You work on the island and you live in Festac, stop acting brand new. You don’t live in Abuja abeg. Talk about “Igbo People, you guys should travel to the East na” nye Nye Nye…I fit slap you. If Igbo people leave now, aburo, would you really enjoy Lagos? You yourself gangan would relocate to Upper Iweka road…pttff.

Let’s not lose focus now shall we? I was about to be vexed cause I am amongst the Igbo people who go down to the East during the Christmas. I’m convinced there’s no way Mother Mary’s Omugwo is not ongoing in Enugu year in year out. As custom, igbo people celebrate Christmas in different ways. There are 2 categories of igbo people here though. The first group happen to be those who travel down to the east before the 25th of December coz “anyi bu the life of the party ighotara?” These people come down early because there are a lot of age grade meetings which are ongoing ok?? And ndi Nwoke also get to do meet and greet with the Eze you get?? Good! These people may sometimes be people who couldn’t make it to the village the last Christmas, ok? We’ve got to amend. Moreover, these group needs more time to visit other families who came through to the village whilst also entertaining the kinsmen.

The second category now my darling, of which I happen to always be a member of the group who make it down to the east from the 27/28th reason being we have to kill two birds with one stone. Have Christmas celebration in Abuja, then go for the extension down East. Most times, our group is also made up of innocent young people who really just wanted a Detty December in the city seeing we had already planned our month with our friends. I mean, Future Hendrix(The Patriarch himself) was coming to Nigeria, dammit! but alas, our mothers decided “ahh, let me go and breathe village air. O diri mma na ahu m” Mother please (insert eye roll, you still look the same)

Various activities go down in the igbo nation during the Christmas Festivities that makes you question if Jesus is aware mmuo is also dancing at the arrival of his birth. Various masquerades dance at various events depending on location. There are specific masquerades peculiar to Gender now you know…When a particular spirit comes out to dance, women and children are not allowed to look upon this great being for fear of the unknown happening to them. Now, we all know there’s no one on God’s green earth that would motivate me to go look for what did not find me hence my darling, I looked upon on the friendly spirits alone. I’ll ask my cousin what the bigger masquerade(mmuo) looks like so I can run with my imagination here.

Various village market squares held an array of colourful wrappers and isi-agus worn by women and their husbands seated while looking upon the youth of the villages participating in various dances and chanting mind blowing igbo. I mean all my twerk lessons were obviously a waste coz if you my friend had seen the waistline of the damsels in my village, my dear one, you would have also denied knowing me the way Nwannem Peter the rock denied our saviour.

Lest I forget the most important information here, ndi malay lotara alota😂(the Malaysians in our place also came back). Why else would I have seen bling-bling at oboro junction biko??😂 the small main road we’re managing in my place saw weeeeennnn. I need you to personally understand these, Benz humbled me maka Chukwu. Unfortunately my darling, I didn’t remember to get a Malay husband before he left. It’s unfortunate nna. Anyhow, I just really pray Dede Uche Ogah would remember uturu na isuikwuato bu ofu(uturu and Isuikwuato is one) and he’ll remember to let the government know Erosion has destroyed the federal road that leads to my father’s land. Thank you in advance Senator sir.

My dear one, this blogpost is becoming too long and we know the way your attention span really is. Wake up. The holiday is over my darling. It’s January 7, 2020 already. Get back to your real life ok?😂❤

–happy new year darling ❤

PS; This is definitely my birthday gift to you❤😏 from my benevolent soul too😂❤

Disclaimer: images and videos were gotten from the internet and my family members.

Ride or Die type of business

The time is 2259hrs and I just woke up despite the world known fact I am ill. My neighbours have been so gracious trying to make smile and happy so I forget the severe pains I’ve been experiencing since last week Friday evening. Bobo is the two year old boy downstairs who just happen to double as the fifth or sixth most important man in my life right now. His smiles lights up the entire room and he ensures to chuckle while at it which makes it all the more magical when you hear and see him. I went downstairs for the first time this afternoon and Bobo ran to me to bless me with a hug,that smile accompanied with a chuckle showing his delight at the beautiful aunty coming downstairs finally(best believe I am beautiful you hater😂). Of course I felt better instantaneously,I mean who wouldn’t? I sat with the little one and his 4months old sister who has also finally accepted me into her fold😭she no longer wails when I attempt to carry her which is rare and of course a story for another day.

This little half caste baby boy kept running around me and his sister whilst ensuring his business was all about me. Bobo doesn’t speak much save for a few words here and there, lots of “Yes” and “No’s” and enough laughter and energy to last for days.

Mimi his little sister decides in this very blissful moment while I’m trying to catch my breath with the both of them to obey nature’s call and just go at my pajamas. I no even fit vex coz from one beautiful baby girl to another,I understood the struggle. My little knight in shining armour which simply means he is glistening with sweat and water he baptized himself in immediately attempts to wipe the mess off my pants. In that very moment I think of another man.

This man who I think of is a pain in my little behind. He is the one friend I can’t remember how the friendship started or blossomed to this point. This man who is always attempting to take care of everything that’s bothering you. This man who almost wants to double as a father to anyone who has any link whatsoever to him. This man who calls you at 0400hrs because he has a conspiracy theory you must listen to. Hitler has got nothing on you fam and it shows. Why am I writing about you this night you may wonder…You know how it is with weird people like me. Anyway I am writing this post/article on this man because I don’t think I’ve told him how much of a great friend he is and also how twice as annoying he is.

My Prince Chichi(because you hate this derivative of your name), in two years and some I’ve known you, you’ve tried to be a better man. You have tried in being sensitive to everyone about you and believe me when I say that is a gift. We are selfish people in this world and its very rare to see someone who cares about others first before themselves. You are not sensitive to me of coz hence let’s waka pass shall we? Our child calls you “My igbo Albert Einstein” and we both know how true this is. You are smart and rather imposing about this very knowledge pouring out of your head😂don’t lose it. We love you for it.

In this ride or die business, I hope I keep being a great friend to you. I hope I tell you every other day how amazing you are. I hope I keep being helpless so you come through like bangdenden(😂alright I’m joking about this). I hope you don’t lose the spark in your eyes when some project piques your attention which always happens by the way. I hope you realize in this friendship business two people play the game and one person doesn’t become a detriment to the other. I hope we make it to China so you can finally meet people you tower above. It’s not easy being my height mate I know, so I hope we go to China soon so we pepper those people. I hope we make it to 90 and 85 years old so we keep on enjoying your imposed conversations. We would probably meet Donald Trump in this life and even if we do not, well it is his loss he doesn’t get to know you. I hope you be an excellent Godfather to my children, don’t spoil them rotten coz already we both know you don’t have sense like that. I hope Steven Spielberg becomes one of your great friends in future just so I can blow and hammer through you. I hope you realize on time I’ll always be beautiful hence you should start now with setting me on dates with your rich friends it’s only right being you are the chairman of the friend zoned men in my life…tic toc young man.

You’re not 30 yet but happy 30th in advance in case I’m not here in 3 years time. Do not fret, I won’t be dead then either too. I’ll just be distracted by man and you know how that goes.

Happy birthday Big Guy, I love you. Know it now so when next I want to manipulate you into doing something for me it doesn’t sound so shocking.

I’ll Ride with you after you go back to driving school, best believe I’m not Dying with you. I’m an igbo girl, I cannot use my mouth to curse myself. I’m staying here to 120 years. Believe that.

Anyway, Bobo walked me back upstairs to my apartment and boy am I glad another gentleman is being raised by a beautiful Igbo woman. The world would surely be a better place soon.

0016hrs- The End.

-datHausaibogeh ❤❤