Hey darling,
How are you this fine European morning? European simply because I’m writing you from the city of Jos and par usual our famous winter season that didn’t happen last year has decided to pop its cold head. I am currently typing on my laptop, in my bed, all huddled up in a winter jacket, thick ass stockings my best friend Peter gifted me last year because getting cold easily is my favorite pastime and a furry muffler, while African giant and Wizzy baby whine me with their quick jam session. I haven’t written to you for a great part of the year and for me to be able to just keep churning out these sentences till this very word is nothing short of a Christmas miracle if I say so. I do not care if I make proper sentences too so pardon whatever balderdash you read. I’m just grateful at least you get to rub minds with me.
Life update huh? I’m sorry I did not know what to title this blog post so I just went the YouTube vlogger way. They usually do this thing where when they go on a hiatus, their first video upon return is titled “Life Update”. And I kid you not they do not even give me the real reason why they disappeared and have me worry. Mental health made a huge comeback this year too so that’s our go-to favorite excuse. Not me though, I won’t tell you I was having a mental health break. I mean, ever since I was in catechism class aged 7 and the padre opened my mind to the question “Who is God?” my fragile mind has never remained the same. Evolution, creation and whatever deity or story you believe in, the point is I have been in existential crisis since then so viola I am here now. So, I’ll just go with a few truths and some embellished half-truths because my life is in turns but especially in God’s hands.
The year started for me like every year on January 7th in the hot ass city of Jos. Hot in January? Surely, I should have figured it will be a fun year. I had one of my best birthday celebrations in a long time because MAN decided in this life with all his strength Insha Allah I must have a parara type of birthday and bless his soul I did (If you are being shocked I am speaking of a man, please do not lose focus. I still preach men will stain your white, so you can calm down). I had friends over and we celebrated the 20 years of age I have chosen to celebrate for as long as possible.
0824hrs 24-12-2021
Hey my beloved,
To cut to the chase, I fell ill these past 6 days when I began writing this blog post initially. Hence, the trajectory of the writing has shifted position. (Supuru!🙌 This is obviously self-hype for the big English I just used in case you refuse to acknowledge my grammar, now you must as I have brought your attention to it. You are welcome too. It is important to celebrate every little win/milestone/achievement etc so just breathe okay?) Anyway, where was I? Yeah! Updates of this year. This year I finally went to the gym and began my hashtag #gymLife. I was big okay? Compared to how big I can get to look alluding to the fact i am a wicked Igbo woman, I was bigger okay and it had to go. It was tough for me too coz I’ve never been used to being fat. Everyone had something to say about my weight. Family members, my Church members who for the life of me I cannot begin to understand why they thought we were friends and why they can start having opinions but that’s by the way. I had body dysmorphia or whatever those people who can name every disorder call it. I had this body and I didn’t know what to do with it. Some friends who also didn’t know how to shut their faces always came up to ask what went wrong. “Why did you gain this weight na?” “You have to lose it oo?” “What did your man say?” Lol! To answer you now, my men had varying opinions about my body so in the wise words of my fellow billionaire Modupe F. Alakija(Billionaire husband) FUCK YOU! While we are on the matter, I want to thank my In-law Bukola. Who made it a point to drum it into my ears that stomach is the new sexy and I should be kinder to myself so thank you Bukky. You do not know what you did for me but I am grateful to you. Gym life is great and all but I’ll have you know I didn’t quit gym life just like that sha, I just fell down the flight of stairs one day and my knee gave out so bye-bye fitfam. I’m back to eating Shawarma any given day someone so much as mentions it in passing. Shallah to fit fam enthusiast though, e no easy. But if you are looking for motivation though, never forget it’s only cool cats that go to the gym… Jeeeez that fucking subscription fee? Please. Only you can maintain that lifestyle dear
On the issue of maintaining lifestyles, I did swing from various forms of employment to unemployment to transemployment. Transemployment; the act of working/not working or vibing and through the divine intervention of vibes and Insha Allah money still dey enter. Small dabble into the tech world and to find out it is not as easy as typing all these grammar I think I’m doing right now. Shout out to my boss and friend Frank who is killing it in the tech and entertainment world. Thank you for all the opportunities and chances you gave to me even when I take our friendship for granted and do my village thing forgetting I am simply an employee. I dabbled into freelancing as a reporter and I tell you it is not easy, Jesus! It did bring cash for a minute so thank you talent. I attended makeup school too. How can I forget to include that? Haha, well you can refer to me as ProMUA okay and you technically won’t be lying I just need to graduate first properly. I was my mother’s assistant for the greater part of the year and I finally do understand how I got to maintain my bad beech lifestyle. If you saw me in locations you feel I could not grace on my own accord, you are not wrong love. I was also a sugar baby who got funding from various Sucre Papitos and Mamitos. We do not discriminate over here soooo… (uhmmm also if you do hear of any available sugar baby role, do not hesitate to reach out to your girl okay? My birth anniversary is coming and that Calabasas ticket is not going to pay itself duhhh)
Moving on, this year had me jotting quick life goals I needed to tick off my bucket list, alas; no husband and still no twins. We try again in 2024 because of the matter of preparing for elections in 2023. Nothing should disrupt our plans to remove the village people who put themselves in positions of power all the while sucking my blood (even witches enjoy AA blood. I know this coz I have actively researched this). Seriously though, I was able to start one thing I had always planned to do and I am grateful to God for it. I was so excited about it too I really really did want to tell a certain Yoruba man about it but jokes. You lose some innit? Relationships are hard af.
N.B: I’ll have you know I am especially proud of myself for kicking things at my own pace and doing the dammn thing. Proud af of you Gimbiya. So proud!
Relationships in friendships. This year I sucked at keeping relationships. Not your girl’s fault too if we are keeping it a buck. I decided this year was going to be my Shakespearean year of if you do anyhow, you go collect. And collect they did. I wasn’t going to be Romeo, my face may look under 20 but I promise you my waistline is over 30 plus so I was not going to die for our friendship by carrying all of it. I chose not to settle for mediocre friendships, so my darling if you felt our energy was weird this year trust me, you will be fine. Please, you can borrow the family scissors from peace victor and cut me off. Sosongho. come 2022, I hope to capitalize more on forgiveness coz I wasn’t so gracious this year. Several people showed me shege and this is not supposed to be a thing because I am a wicked Igbo woman but the shege was hot walahi. I had a short-lived friendship last year which came to an abrupt end this year. It was honestly a friendship I felt safe in and no matter how it ended I’m grateful I got to experience that level of softness and just good vibes. It would have gone on but then we had the issue of the Twitter drag. Believe me beloved, you do not want to be called a Man Snatcher on the Socio Medium so we bless God. I did say I was never going to speak on it because I’ve been furious in the past few months and I had been planning my revenge in various ways. It’s funny coz I know small madness happens and I must do back so I’m begging my chi to tread lightly with me. I was furious at my friend, a Yoruba man (the joke is obviously on me coz who doesn’t remember Yoruba men will always choose themselves and then they shame you) but then he did something that made me remember who he was when the going was still good. So sure, I forgive you or something but I am still pretty pissed.
New friendships? I don’t care for them while it has mood swings attached to it. I’m a few shaved years away from 30 years now. You cannot think I have the time for high school emotions? Please indulge in over-the-counter drugs or something abeg, don’t stress me. This is honestly why Jesus is available to us. You can stress him, he actually doesn’t mind. Again, I would know coz you need to hear the things I nag to Jesus for. That rounds up my year and I do hope I have kept you up to date. We should talk like this more often you know. A long-ass essay filled with me cussing and having an early middle-age life crisis in-between so we all get to see my laundry.
I do have an important announcement to make as well. An announcement befitting of my caliber and pedigree. I’ll be 23 years old next week or so, I settled on 23 on the behest of my grandfather who wants me to appear marriageable. I will be distracted by an engagement on that birth anniversary day so we have chosen to postpone this great event. The GCFR and I agree on this coz this matter concerns national interest. We have chosen to postpone my celebration till February 7th and the “And half” birthday ceremony to be celebrated later on in the year. What this entails is; I will be celebrating my birthday 3 times next year by God’s grace and the Senate has deliberated on this. Do well to be informed. Carry on.
Merry Christmas to Bros J and his family!
p.s; Don’t do drugs. Stay in school. Find happiness in something else. Thanks.
thathausaibogeh 