As the board chairman of Friend-zoned ladies and gentlemen I’m here to also pass on my pleasantries as the chairperson of third wheelers in people’s relationships. Quite often I hear people talk about their worst dates, relationships, experiences blah blah…And I’m just here to tell you dear one “You No reasshhh and my own bad pass your own”
No wine is needed here for me to tell my story thank God😂so please, do indulge in the available Zobo. All bills on me darling and certainly you’re welcome.
For as long as I can remember I have always been a third party in most casual or rather intimate relationships amongst my friends and family. If ever I need to turn in my CV for job applications it’s necessary I add I’ve been a personal hypeman, body guard, associate girlfriend, available excuse, buffer for a duration spanning all 23,24 of my damnn 23/24 whole life on earth. You think I’m joking? I remember stories my brothers told me of them carrying me out so they go see some girl who caught their attention at a time and my mother would be cool with it coz “awwnnn…Thank God the boys are getting along with their sister. Let me rest now she’s not around” and I suppose my mother did sleep with peace of mind her baby girl was in safe hands and she could rest from taking care of an overbearing infant. Shocker woman, shocker. Your sons took my little self to go visit woman. This was my first job as “Available excuse” and darn it I did my job well because they did say I never cried whenever they took me out😂 You’re welcome Hunny❤
I don’t remember how old I was but I still have a memory of my Nanny Mariah. I remember she was a tall, chocolate complexion slender woman. I remember she had a scar on her face and maybe she was on low cut or maybe not. Maybe she did plait her hair, I can’t remember but I do remember my escapades with her. Whilst my brothers were away at school or whatever and my parents were busy working to give me and mines the lives we lived, Mariah and I were busy living the life. I remember shanty looking rooms and cubicles for the life of me can’t understand why she had a thing for men who lived that way. I remember playing in those rooms while Mariah gave me something or the other to chew or drink while she did whatever with her boyfriend(s). I dunno😂 but I do remember my mother finally sent her packing or something. I also performed a great job being an associate girlfriend. My work speaks for itself. Mariah is happily married now though so we move.
I’ve been a tomboy for a greater part of my life so I would understand why I was never first choice when boys picked interest in girls. I was part of the boys hence I do forgive the great number of mendem who picked interest in my sister and whenever it didn’t work out in their favour they suddenly remember what great beauty I could be.😂 After all, when zenith bank atm does not dispense cash to you it is advised you move on to Diamond bank automated Teller machine. That’s being smart so no grudge held on my part. I’ll definitely not have picked interest in me too. I mean, why would you want to have anything to do with a “sometimes a girl” girl who climbs trees and devised a good way to climb over the fence to my neighbors house,plays football and rides bikes down the mountain? I do have the scars on my waist to prove it too😂
I’ve third-wheeled with my sister for a greater part of all her relationships if I’m not mistaken. Right now though I’ve put my foot down and refused to be dragged into her current relationship😂 I refuse to invest my emotions and strength so darling child e go be. I remember scenarios where people found comfort in other people’s faces and I had to be there all oblivious to what was going on. I couldn’t after all be singing “awwwnnn” in the background. It has always been cringe worthy and I do not want a repeat of that rubbish. Nonsense and ingredient Isi aki, nonsense. Them going for events as a couple? Yup, I’ve escorted them out too and was a great third wheeler there. I’ve gone out with them once on Valentine’s day and they went all out talking about getting me a man seeing I do a horrible job of having limited interests in people. I mean😢na single I single,I no kill person.
Having a best friend is all about having a shoulder to lean on and I think my best friend obviously read the wrong best friend manual because with that girl, I saw terrible things. Situations that has left me scarred for life and no sane person would normally agree to. It has not always been horrible you see, I’ve had great moments from being a third wheeler in my best friend’s life. I have eaten free load of stuff and I’m here to state I’m a living witness of not all “love potions” work coz no commitment came out of it. I don chop food die and for this singular act, I am grateful for these men. Thank you for liking my best friend or whatever. Thank you for not joining those Twitter men who I low-key support or whatever, who say when a girl brings along her hungry friends and you planned to please just your girl, stick to your budget and ignore the extras. Lord knows if any one of you had left me to have my personal quick Ramadan fast while you both ate, what happened in 1965 would have repeated itself and best believe I’ll be the lone survivor. To the mendem who came to visit just one girl(best friend yet again) in front of girls hostel but decided that was the moment you needed to reenact the fast and furious movie with Benz. I mean who comes to see one girl with 4 abi na 5 cars. Igbo boys kwenu🙌 You people are my favorite people abeg abeg. I was also branded a big girl by association. Or is it the time a bike man fell in love with this very girl and I started receiving free bike rides in that Okigwe Sun?? Thank you sir mehnn. But I am still upset you let my business mix with your pleasure when you and the best friend had a fight and you decided to drag me into the fight. I mean I did nothing wrong and you stopped my free bike rides😢😂Wow.
My favorite memory though remains the day I third wheeled yet again the best friend to the infamous Pauli-Mama and my best friend’s guy was slightly not with us in our own reasoning dimensions. This fine young man had popped pills earlier and when we were at the eatery it had started taking effects. I remember eating chicken and this young man took his fork served him and used it as a toothpick. I mean he was doing the entire mtchxxxxsem mtchxxxxsem sound while using the fork to pull out residue of meat from his teeth while making incoherent sentences. I had never seen something more brazen than this. To this day, I do not make use of forks in that eatery😂😂😂 I’m sorry this was supposed to be a secret but I can’t help it. To you lot who have used the forks in paulimama, I’m sorry😂😢
I should probably continue this story by telling you about my other situations cut out for me where I have to access girls with my male friends. Instances where I have to “grade” a girl and see if she’s set pá.
Are her parts properly aligned to taste? She get sense?
(My dear feminists, truly I am ashamed I played into the patriarchal situation but naso I see ahm)
The question of her relationship status is never brought up, the game is the game after all. Your girl can end up being another’s, all I need do is to show working then we let your girl decide.
I can’t begin to also tell of the different girlfriends of my mendem who have one time or the other thought of baptizing me with hot water since I haven’t decided to keep my jokes to myself so their boyfriends don’t laugh with me whilst holding my body. I can name Two of those girls who definitely have calabashes with my name in it and I’m not joking. My dear sisters, abeg abeg your boyfriends na my brothers abeg😭 I am zoned pá. I am their brother you have nothing to fear walahi😭 I am not competition, I mean have you seen me?? I still bounce while walking.
This write-up has to come to an end you see and I have no idea how to end it without you thinking here I come again stopping a gist half way like I always do but the end of this rant of mine has to do with me seeking help oo coz it appears I have finally found a man who I do not want to zone me or see me as a sister.
I mean, I want to laugh at his stupid jokes and name our children with. Hence here I am coming to you as sister, please help me. What exactly did you relationship people do that made him notice you?? My friends are boys and they think I’m not serious about this relationship thing, they want me to remain as their follow-come official relationship photographer. They do not understand I also want to be unavailable when they try to reach out to me by 3am when their girlfriend’s heads should decide to touch.
This is a cry for help, please help me. It’s a 911 situation.
❤❤
-dat_hausaibogeh
thathausaibogeh 