About that Curvy Life.

The time is 0725hrs Nigerian time, Sunday July 4 2019 and it’s been raining all morning. I am writing this from Owerri, Imo state.

This necessary description given above was advised by Ms. Kemi Olunloyo(award winning investigator and journalist). The time stamp is here simply for the fact it gives your story credibility when it is happened upon in 60years time so permit my usage of this because certainly this is a real story.

For the past week I’ve been punishing myself in the name of achieving a perfect body. The usual pep talk I give myself every 35 minutes no longer cuts it. My Rihanna body has begun gyrating towards Lizzo’s body(no offense Lizzo, I still think your song “Truth Hurts” is the bomb and yes I do believe we still can be best friends, I hope??)

The beautiful curse that afflicted my ancestors before me has caught up with me. Being the designated BBW amongst friends and family is my curse and blessing. As a BBW, there are only so much clothes I can wear or activities I can engage in. This is definitely no excuse to be obese too, so breathe easy. In four days, I’ll be expecting a friend who is coming all the way to see me and I promise you, it is not what you think. Okay, probably it is what you may think it is…you know what?? That is just besides the point let’s be focused here shall we?? If my work is to eaten, why deny the Lord’s work??(I’m sorry Jesus).

Whilst preparing for this August visitor of mine who I’ve been friends with for as long as social media exists but I’ve never seen as a result of a whole lot of latitude and longitude reasons, I’m forced to make a great first impression for his sake and mine.

Just two weeks ago I got this beautiful skirt that is a size too small and I had already convinced myself my waist was going to be a cutie for. I was going to lose weight. It just so happens this August visitor enjoys seeing girls wearing skirt. You can only imagine whose fitness journey planned a stretch of two months has been reduced to a drastic two weeks. You see that skirt, we either wear it or die trying. There’s no in between.

I’ve woken up consistently for six days at 04:30am to prepare for my new loved morning ritual of jogging at 05:00am. I’ve run up and down the five flight of stairwell in our apartment. I have done crunches. Hell, I’ve even put in the work for squats and believe me child of God, I’ve suddenly come to the realization “I never appreciated military school enough”. First day of Operation Lose Weight was such a breeze by the second day I instantly became aware of pains in body parts I never knew existed or believed to know pain.

Same week, the borehole system in our yard decided it was the best time for it to break down. For the past 14 months I’ve lived here I can’t remember when I had to go outside to fetch water. My dear brother, that very week was the week my village people prepared to visit me. I had to go buy water from across the road and all the pride I’ve been showing off to the angwa boys laid in weight for me. I mean, I’ve been acting as though it’s not the same oxygen we’ve been breathing in together oo… Alas, they have seen me carrying 25ltrs of Jerry-can and my Goliath fall was a mighty one since the entire week decided to be filled with exercises and suffer head.

It’s been a crazy week with just four days left till my big reveal. Dear one, I have begun to question myself greatly. “Why on God’s green earth do I want to change God’s great design?” LOL! You read right. I am definitely pulling up the “creator, Supreme being” card. After enduring all these insufferable pains in my joints, did you really think I’ll alter my body for man?? Wow oo… No, no, no… Jehovah in His mightiness makes no mistake. If He intends for me to be a BBW, why golly my friend, I would have no other choice but to accept not all waists can be a cutie.

As for that leather skirt, it would also stretch out in size to love me or it keeps being a waist too small and observe with envy how my Turkey Gowns have decided to adorn and embrace all meaty, fleshy and loved parts of me. I am after all rumored to be something of a Spec myself.

Like the gift which keeps giving, Instagram is no longer a place I go to feel depressed on because this particular man keeps posting and liking photographs of size 6 girls sitting out and thriving on their follow-come from Heaven body size. I happened to discover my new favorite IG account; @LatashaLagos. That is the universe speaking to me saying nwa beke, no go do pass yourself at this trying time. Hence, as the new class member (Of LatashaLagos amazing school obviously) of this self love movement, the mantra is now #aboutthatcurvylife.

I did not kill my mother. Man should not come and kill me please. The only thing man should be doing besides pressuring me please is to be eating my work please dear.

Do your homework. (Nessa, 2019)

Happy New month❤

datHausaIboGeh

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It’s a 911 situation.

As the board chairman of Friend-zoned ladies and gentlemen I’m here to also pass on my pleasantries as the chairperson of third wheelers in people’s relationships. Quite often I hear people talk about their worst dates, relationships, experiences blah blah…And I’m just here to tell you dear one “You No reasshhh and my own bad pass your own”

No wine is needed here for me to tell my story thank God😂so please, do indulge in the available Zobo. All bills on me darling and certainly you’re welcome.

For as long as I can remember I have always been a third party in most casual or rather intimate relationships amongst my friends and family. If ever I need to turn in my CV for job applications it’s necessary I add I’ve been a personal hypeman, body guard, associate girlfriend, available excuse, buffer for a duration spanning all 23,24 of my damnn 23/24 whole life on earth. You think I’m joking? I remember stories my brothers told me of them carrying me out so they go see some girl who caught their attention at a time and my mother would be cool with it coz “awwnnn…Thank God the boys are getting along with their sister. Let me rest now she’s not around” and I suppose my mother did sleep with peace of mind her baby girl was in safe hands and she could rest from taking care of an overbearing infant. Shocker woman, shocker. Your sons took my little self to go visit woman. This was my first job as “Available excuse” and darn it I did my job well because they did say I never cried whenever they took me out😂 You’re welcome Hunny❤

I don’t remember how old I was but I still have a memory of my Nanny Mariah. I remember she was a tall, chocolate complexion slender woman. I remember she had a scar on her face and maybe she was on low cut or maybe not. Maybe she did plait her hair, I can’t remember but I do remember my escapades with her. Whilst my brothers were away at school or whatever and my parents were busy working to give me and mines the lives we lived, Mariah and I were busy living the life. I remember shanty looking rooms and cubicles for the life of me can’t understand why she had a thing for men who lived that way. I remember playing in those rooms while Mariah gave me something or the other to chew or drink while she did whatever with her boyfriend(s). I dunno😂 but I do remember my mother finally sent her packing or something. I also performed a great job being an associate girlfriend. My work speaks for itself. Mariah is happily married now though so we move.

I’ve been a tomboy for a greater part of my life so I would understand why I was never first choice when boys picked interest in girls. I was part of the boys hence I do forgive the great number of mendem who picked interest in my sister and whenever it didn’t work out in their favour they suddenly remember what great beauty I could be.😂 After all, when zenith bank atm does not dispense cash to you it is advised you move on to Diamond bank automated Teller machine. That’s being smart so no grudge held on my part. I’ll definitely not have picked interest in me too. I mean, why would you want to have anything to do with a “sometimes a girl” girl who climbs trees and devised a good way to climb over the fence to my neighbors house,plays football and rides bikes down the mountain? I do have the scars on my waist to prove it too😂

I’ve third-wheeled with my sister for a greater part of all her relationships if I’m not mistaken. Right now though I’ve put my foot down and refused to be dragged into her current relationship😂 I refuse to invest my emotions and strength so darling child e go be. I remember scenarios where people found comfort in other people’s faces and I had to be there all oblivious to what was going on. I couldn’t after all be singing “awwwnnn” in the background. It has always been cringe worthy and I do not want a repeat of that rubbish. Nonsense and ingredient Isi aki, nonsense. Them going for events as a couple? Yup, I’ve escorted them out too and was a great third wheeler there. I’ve gone out with them once on Valentine’s day and they went all out talking about getting me a man seeing I do a horrible job of having limited interests in people. I mean😢na single I single,I no kill person.

Having a best friend is all about having a shoulder to lean on and I think my best friend obviously read the wrong best friend manual because with that girl, I saw terrible things. Situations that has left me scarred for life and no sane person would normally agree to. It has not always been horrible you see, I’ve had great moments from being a third wheeler in my best friend’s life. I have eaten free load of stuff and I’m here to state I’m a living witness of not all “love potions” work coz no commitment came out of it. I don chop food die and for this singular act, I am grateful for these men. Thank you for liking my best friend or whatever. Thank you for not joining those Twitter men who I low-key support or whatever, who say when a girl brings along her hungry friends and you planned to please just your girl, stick to your budget and ignore the extras. Lord knows if any one of you had left me to have my personal quick Ramadan fast while you both ate,  what happened in 1965 would have repeated itself and best believe I’ll be the lone survivor. To the mendem who came to visit just one girl(best friend yet again) in front of girls hostel but decided that was the moment you needed to reenact the fast and furious movie with Benz. I mean who comes to see one girl with 4 abi na 5 cars. Igbo boys kwenu🙌 You people are my favorite people abeg abeg. I was also branded a big girl by association. Or is it the time a bike man fell in love with this very girl and I started receiving free bike rides in that Okigwe Sun?? Thank you sir mehnn. But I am still upset you let my business mix with your pleasure when you and the best friend had a fight and you decided to drag me into the fight. I mean I did nothing wrong and you stopped my free bike rides😢😂Wow.

My favorite memory though remains the day I third wheeled yet again the best friend to the infamous Pauli-Mama and my best friend’s guy was slightly not with us in our own reasoning dimensions. This fine young man had popped pills earlier and when we were at the eatery it had started taking effects. I remember eating chicken and this young man took his fork served him and used it as a toothpick. I mean he was doing the entire mtchxxxxsem mtchxxxxsem sound while using the fork to pull out residue of meat from his teeth while making incoherent sentences. I had never seen something more brazen than this. To this day, I do not make use of forks in that eatery😂😂😂 I’m sorry this was supposed to be a secret but I can’t help it. To you lot who have used the forks in paulimama, I’m sorry😂😢

I should probably continue this story by telling you about my other situations cut out for me where I have to access girls with my male friends. Instances where I have to “grade” a girl and see if she’s set pá.
Are her parts properly aligned to taste? She get sense?
(My dear feminists, truly I am ashamed I played into the patriarchal situation but naso I see ahm)
The question of her relationship status is never brought up, the game is the game after all. Your girl can end up being another’s, all I need do is to show working then we let your girl decide.

I can’t begin to also tell of the different girlfriends of my mendem who have one time or the other thought of baptizing me with hot water since I haven’t decided to keep my jokes to myself so their boyfriends don’t laugh with me whilst holding my body. I can name Two of those girls who definitely have calabashes with my name in it and I’m not joking. My dear sisters, abeg abeg your boyfriends na my brothers abeg😭 I am zoned pá. I am their brother you have nothing to fear walahi😭 I am not competition, I mean have you seen me?? I still bounce while walking.

This write-up has to come to an end you see and I have no idea how to end it without you thinking here I come again stopping a gist half way like I always do but the end of this rant of mine has to do with me seeking help oo coz it appears I have finally found a man who I do not want to zone me or see me as a sister.

I mean, I want to laugh at his stupid jokes and name our children with. Hence here I am coming to you as sister, please help me. What exactly did you relationship people do that made him notice you?? My friends are boys and they think I’m not serious about this relationship thing, they want me to remain as their follow-come official relationship photographer. They do not understand I also want to be unavailable when they try to reach out to me by 3am when their girlfriend’s heads should decide to touch.

This is a cry for help, please help me. It’s a 911 situation.

❤❤

-dat_hausaibogeh

Ride or Die type of business

The time is 2259hrs and I just woke up despite the world known fact I am ill. My neighbours have been so gracious trying to make smile and happy so I forget the severe pains I’ve been experiencing since last week Friday evening. Bobo is the two year old boy downstairs who just happen to double as the fifth or sixth most important man in my life right now. His smiles lights up the entire room and he ensures to chuckle while at it which makes it all the more magical when you hear and see him. I went downstairs for the first time this afternoon and Bobo ran to me to bless me with a hug,that smile accompanied with a chuckle showing his delight at the beautiful aunty coming downstairs finally(best believe I am beautiful you hater😂). Of course I felt better instantaneously,I mean who wouldn’t? I sat with the little one and his 4months old sister who has also finally accepted me into her fold😭she no longer wails when I attempt to carry her which is rare and of course a story for another day.

This little half caste baby boy kept running around me and his sister whilst ensuring his business was all about me. Bobo doesn’t speak much save for a few words here and there, lots of “Yes” and “No’s” and enough laughter and energy to last for days.

Mimi his little sister decides in this very blissful moment while I’m trying to catch my breath with the both of them to obey nature’s call and just go at my pajamas. I no even fit vex coz from one beautiful baby girl to another,I understood the struggle. My little knight in shining armour which simply means he is glistening with sweat and water he baptized himself in immediately attempts to wipe the mess off my pants. In that very moment I think of another man.

This man who I think of is a pain in my little behind. He is the one friend I can’t remember how the friendship started or blossomed to this point. This man who is always attempting to take care of everything that’s bothering you. This man who almost wants to double as a father to anyone who has any link whatsoever to him. This man who calls you at 0400hrs because he has a conspiracy theory you must listen to. Hitler has got nothing on you fam and it shows. Why am I writing about you this night you may wonder…You know how it is with weird people like me. Anyway I am writing this post/article on this man because I don’t think I’ve told him how much of a great friend he is and also how twice as annoying he is.

My Prince Chichi(because you hate this derivative of your name), in two years and some I’ve known you, you’ve tried to be a better man. You have tried in being sensitive to everyone about you and believe me when I say that is a gift. We are selfish people in this world and its very rare to see someone who cares about others first before themselves. You are not sensitive to me of coz hence let’s waka pass shall we? Our child calls you “My igbo Albert Einstein” and we both know how true this is. You are smart and rather imposing about this very knowledge pouring out of your head😂don’t lose it. We love you for it.

In this ride or die business, I hope I keep being a great friend to you. I hope I tell you every other day how amazing you are. I hope I keep being helpless so you come through like bangdenden(😂alright I’m joking about this). I hope you don’t lose the spark in your eyes when some project piques your attention which always happens by the way. I hope you realize in this friendship business two people play the game and one person doesn’t become a detriment to the other. I hope we make it to China so you can finally meet people you tower above. It’s not easy being my height mate I know, so I hope we go to China soon so we pepper those people. I hope we make it to 90 and 85 years old so we keep on enjoying your imposed conversations. We would probably meet Donald Trump in this life and even if we do not, well it is his loss he doesn’t get to know you. I hope you be an excellent Godfather to my children, don’t spoil them rotten coz already we both know you don’t have sense like that. I hope Steven Spielberg becomes one of your great friends in future just so I can blow and hammer through you. I hope you realize on time I’ll always be beautiful hence you should start now with setting me on dates with your rich friends it’s only right being you are the chairman of the friend zoned men in my life…tic toc young man.

You’re not 30 yet but happy 30th in advance in case I’m not here in 3 years time. Do not fret, I won’t be dead then either too. I’ll just be distracted by man and you know how that goes.

Happy birthday Big Guy, I love you. Know it now so when next I want to manipulate you into doing something for me it doesn’t sound so shocking.

I’ll Ride with you after you go back to driving school, best believe I’m not Dying with you. I’m an igbo girl, I cannot use my mouth to curse myself. I’m staying here to 120 years. Believe that.

Anyway, Bobo walked me back upstairs to my apartment and boy am I glad another gentleman is being raised by a beautiful Igbo woman. The world would surely be a better place soon.

0016hrs- The End.

-datHausaibogeh ❤❤

This is not another Valentine’s Day Story.

Already you’ve read a lot of stories and seen a lot of Valentine’s day stories and it’s brouhaha, well this is not your typical love story. Believe that. My country slated her election day for the 16th of the month so you can imagine how a number of us had planned our valentine’s day down to the weekend. The plan was spend half a day with the side boyfriend and travel back to my polling centre the next day. Things were looking out the way I had planned them to and viola I found myself in my registered city amidst the stress and sufferhead life I embarked on coz the airport in my city is a joke and Arik Air is not one to be making last minute plans with. I found myself in my town by 10:45pm having left the east late in the morning also because “Amaka” is a name common to my people and we’re already used to her disappointments in regards to a lot of issues and services offered.

Election Day – I woke up quite late coz I was really tired and the plan was my family members would already be at the polling unit saving space for me pending whenever I get there. Imagine my shock when I woke by 11am and saw my older brother who doesn’t live in this house having breakfast with my momma. “Why didn’t you go to vote?” I asked and Baba started laughing. “Welcome back to the world. Your country has postponed your election” he kept laughing as he told me that.

Dear INEC, I was very angry. You know why?? I’ll tell you. I was supposed to enjoy the fruits of my almost a year labour dating a man. Yes, I was supposed to be resting on my back on the Valentine’s day with man whispering sweet nothings into my ear coz really I’ll have zoned him out as He was busy doing his village thing there meanwhile I just came through to be pampered. I was supposed to be fed by hand by someone’s son while reading about the state of affairs in my nation whilst also cursing out my terrible leaders and fellow countrymen on Twitter but alas..you had your own plans. You disappointed even Amaka herself and that’s saying a lot. Sanu INEC Chairman!

I do have a ton of questions Mr Chairman Sir, seeing the load of conspiracy theories being thrown around on social media. How is it possible you had almost an entire tenure to prepare for an election and you blame “logistics”. The very term used by a large number of Nigerians whenever they need to employ a big word to defend their inefficiencies? Baba oo🙌😂Sanu Sir. Sir, how is it possible INEC recognized these discrepancies in the process and only decided to halt the election by 0200hrs in the morning? Sir, I had not even slept for 2 hours complete before you made your announcements. “E pain me make I no lie” because you were aware of the majority of people who travelled just because of this. You abused my rights and had it been our country was more developed, this would have been an issue of national disaster coz you disenfranchised we the citizens but you my man are just the “Godfather”.

Saturday 23 February is the next election date and well we are still faced with the great decision of who to vote. My generation advices we vote younger people into power. Sowore would have been my preferred candidate you see but let’s be realistic shall we? Not everyone knows the name of his party and unfortunately for my man and I, his party do not have the infrastructure to rally support across the 774 local governments in Nigeria. Now I believe my man should rather contest for the office of the governor Lagos state. He stands a better chance defeating Jagaban’s man. Yup, I said it and Dear Sowore my President if you do come out in 2023 best believe you have my vote. Who doesn’t like a candidate who plans to legalize my marijuana business?? Anyway, the rest of the population says there are only two candidates to choose from. This is not me canvassing for votes but I’ll certainly vote for the man who would provide me with umbrella when it starts to rain.

Tomorrow is the D-day, I’ve organized my tracksuit, face-cap and canvas for the elections. Canvas in case I do need to throw it away while I embark on my Olympic race. I have two charged up power banks, a functional earpiece,take away plate,bottled water and spoon with the phone number of my plug supplying me kunu for the day safely organized.

Image culled from my cousin’s instagram page.

My dear friends do endeavour to turn out and vote if you have your PVC with you. Your country needs you, also not forgetting your election day essentials🙏 My Kunu woman’s number is available though in case your polling unit is here in the Plaru too😂

P.s: We would move to Canada next week though. Believe that!

Wishing you a peaceful election…

-datHausaIbogeh 💫❤

All We Have Is Now…

This week has been the longest and most draining week in my history of annoying weeks. School is hard, Entrepreneurship is harder, the country is draining my very existence and my emotions have been spiralling out of control all week long. I’ve been the sore thumb everyone is weary about. My friends are scared to talk to me lest they offend me more than I already am. This is no fault of mine, the universe just surely hates me and constantly at work with my village members. I’ve been all range of anger whilst displaying my village drama to anyone who pays me any attention and yet this man is still here. Still on this bed with me and that in itself makes me feel good while still feeling terrible because being a bitch to the ones who love you do not deserve a pat on the back.
All week my feeds, chats and timeline have been filled with stories of failed marriages, Yoruba men being what they really are and the generalization that love is not for the weak. Definitely marriage is also not for me. I don’t have it in me to play dumb to any man…and yet I’m here in bed with this man.

Hello I’m Oge and I’m emotionally unavailable. Don’t judge me yet you do not know my story but it doesn’t matter because I’m not telling it either. I’m only here to tell the story of why I think I love this man and I hope he understands it. We’ve been seeing each other for almost a year and in a year I’ve been the hard guy. Ours was a business arrangement, “Scratch my back and I scratch yours”. No expectations. No false promises and reassurances cause we do not need to lie to each other about feelings we both do not have other than the fact we have turned to glorifying fornication.

Fornication noun

FORMAL•HUMOROUS
sexual intercourse between people not married to each other.

Our arrangement did not require us to play house and for that I’m grateful. No need for the world to be privy to who we were having wild sessions with and whose bed we woke up in the next morning.
Law broke the rules first. “Law” cause that’s what I call him and that’s how I broke my first rule too. Giving ourselves names. Law for Lawrence. He started out with giving me gifts on our official first date…this man who I am staring at whilst he’s fast asleep. He sleeps as though he’s fighting for something or someone in his sleep. There are lines on his forehead, I want to kiss the worry off his brows but that would mean me waking him up. He’s super alert like that. I was pleasantly surprised when he did that and as cliché as it sounds he got me cake on that day saying, “You’re so hard to read and I didn’t know what to get you, so we would have to make do with this”. The year has been draining but he has been that little ray of light peeping into the darkness that is my life. People abuse the term being depressed but I’ve lived through depression. Have I thought of turning off the switch to my life? Certainly. Have I envisioned various methods of leaving this place? Yes and I’m still of the opinion carbon monoxide oozing from my “I better pass my neighbour” generator locked in the room with me tops the list of painless deaths. This is not a cry for help so do not fret just yet.
I’ve had more laughs with him than I have had in my twenty some years of living. Sitting in his car having meals makes the perfect date. I once had a mental breakdown and well, you can guess who came running to save me from myself. This man. This man snoring lightly by side holding me tightly so I don’t vanish. We do have this inside joke you know, about the real reason he holds me tightly while we sleep. It’s definitely because he doesn’t want me stealing from him. It’s hilarious but I was the one who thought of the joke. He simply guffawed when I told him the joke and called me “his little 5 feet 4 inches worth of crazy”.
This day is no different from all other situations I’ve gotten myself in. I was having the longest of weeks with things not working out and going my way. I’ve lost count of the day I last had breakfast…ohh…wait…that was on Friday. I was sad and not responding properly to basic human behaviour and this man came to pick me up. I have no idea how my toiletries came to be in his car but we found ourselves here in Enugu. The air here is relatively different. We drove 3 hours to get here and I have no idea how I agreed to this madness.

“You need a break”, he said. “I do not enjoy seeing you like this, it’s like you’re here but your spirit is no longer with me. I want your spirit back and I don’t know but three days is all I have to give you right now okay?”. “Please work with me…”
I’m here now. Working with him. Working to get my spirit back. Working because he doesn’t deserve this drama I give to him. Working because I want my spirit back. Working because I think I love him and I need him to have the better version of me. Enugu has been surreal. I’m getting myself back gradually. Today is the third day, we’re leaving first thing tomorrow. We’ve been everywhere, we’ve spent the nights in bed together and its not about sex. He sees me and he brings me back to life…
Like all good things in my life I’ll have to kill him though before he kills me. For now I would keep laying down here with him. All we have is now…

To be continued
–Happy New Year

xoxo

Dear Old age I will not look at my mates please.

You never realize how funny life really is till she plays a fast hand at you. I described life as a female because like it’s gender, it is dynamic in nature. Dynamism means it is subtle to change. However the concept, change is constant and change is good. One minute you are seated with pals discussing what life holds. The next you are living the life you spoke about. It’s change coz no longer are you seated but acting out the verb; living.

I’m 23 now, in 2 weeks time I’ll probably be 24. “Probably” because my momma makes a conscious effort to double my age so I get up and leave her house instantly and start out at my own version and episodes of life.

I’m 23 now and despite the fact half the time I feel I’ve failed and sucked at life, I have a rather clear conscience which reminds me of the small but somewhat great strides I’ve put up and accomplished for myself.

When I was 16, I planned by 23 I would be called to bar whilst also serving my country which means 5 years university, 1 year Law school at Kano Law school and 1 year mandatory youth service. Rather at 23, I studied political science for 4 years,whilst also counting the mandatory 1 and half years my school dedicates to wasting your life. That one year wastage should be filled with something to better your life by yourself. In my case, my mother urged me to learn basic entrepreneurial skills because in my country after getting a degree my government welcomes a fresh group of graduates into the “No Job” available sector.
My friends with which I made these plans with are either at law school, done with youth service, employed or married with kids. In all these happenings, I didn’t forget what the real goal was though. Am I happy with myself? Yes. Am I happy for my friends? Yes. At 23, I’m listing my gains.
I got a degree from a reputable university. I studied political science for four years and I look forward to having my masters in either “International relations”, “War Studies/military studies” or even “Political economy” once I convince myself I can do it. I am after all my mother’s daughter. I can do whatever I set my heart to do and accomplish and break barriers that have been set up to derail my kind.
I am going to serve my country in due time. I am set to embark on a second degree cause the first was just to show me just how dynamic my strengths are.

At 23, I discovered my strengths in various fields. I discovered my weaknesses too. I realized it’s okay to take a break from everything cause my mental and physical health is important, it doesn’t make me a failure. I discovered at 23, this body is never going down I should accept it the way my bones have agreed to set. It’s time to stop lying to the gym instructor whenever he calls I’ll be coming by the studio soon. Na fat I fat, I no kill person. At 23 I discovered I have an insatiable sweet tooth, well guess who learned to bake? Yup, you answered right. At 23 I lost a few good people but I also gained a few good people too, I became better at maintaining relationships. At 23 I finally agreed not everyone can understand me but don’t be mistaken a baby girl is still loved by these people albeit secretly😹. At 23 I discovered my bad habits, let’s all agree we’re working on them. At 23 I also finally agreed New year resolutions for me na every day thing, the Lord’s grace would see me through.

At 23 I had a fair amount of shed tears, felt pains, beautiful laughter and unrivalled grace that saw me through the drama that was 2018. People keep saying it was a trying year this year, it’s almost agreeable but I’ll debate it. 2018 was the year for testing of strengths and best believe I made it.

To the special people who made 2018 worth it, thank you.

Dynamic. Excellent. Icon
xoxo

-datHausaibogeh

Why do men choose to be Scum?

Those of you without boyfriends do not know what the Lord has done for you. It is really a celebratory thing hence do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You may be challenged by this crazy obsessive boyfriend people; talk about how do you manage without having someone to cuddle with while you sleep? How do you open your hard jars? Who zips down your dress when you can’t reach it?? The best yet is when you’re asked “who likes and gasses up your instagram posts?” <insert eye roll> It doesn’t help too the WHO terms single people as being disabled. Just wow.

Do not sweat it though coz beneath all the brouhaha couples put up for us to see and feel oppressed, they have it hard biko. For God’s sake, can you imagine having to share suya and masa with another person every other time you buy? Having to be in despair when the issue of buying food comes into play all because your significant other doesn’t like onion?? Ohh the horror. Worse, when your Plus-One is an overgrown baby who demands holding of body parts every second of the day?? Don’t heat affect you though dear man? I really want to know…arrrghhh.

Now you see, being in a relationship is hard work. This baby girl cannot decide to be a baby tiger on her own accord. This baby girl has to deal with waxing and shaving every other day(don’t ask me why removal of body hair is almost essential abeg.I do not know,it’s not from my blog or mouth you’ll derive your information from). A baby girl cannot decide to wear boxers underneath her gown, lacy frills every moment coz you really are a gift that should be offered with ribbons and frills. Also, these days it denotes being sexy or more appealing, boxer short is a turn off.
As a partner in a relationship do you know the amazing offers you miss out on just because a steady man is in the picture?? No, of course you don’t. You’re almost imprisoned😭😂 for sake of world peace baby girl, you are not allowed to have new friends or give out your number to New investors. You are not obligated to getting offers from kind men in malls and their lots, no other man is allowed to offer to pay for stuff you buy. You’re not even permitted to flirt or wink at random men who open doors for you too and this is not because you’re suddenly a strong black independent woman. You can’t reply amazing Dms on the gram. The worse of it is being unable to shout “Yeah Yeah” when Wizkid calls out all the single ladies in the house should say yeah yeah…do you really want to offend your manager in the concert hall?? Arrghhh…the horror😭 Ohhh…did I make mention of how it’s not allowed you hug another male for 0.25seconds longer than necessary?? Yasss, that too lest your 26years old baby starts doubting you and throwing insecurity down your throat.
P.s: Dear Male reading this, I do hope you discover on time I’m not bashing your gender here abeg. It’s therefore not allowed to attack me😏💖 I have a man with 3 other steady men, I’m not bitter please.
Anyhow, I’ve been nagging all week coz man friend offended my peace of mind this week. I’ve not seen man friend in a year and I’ve been holding myself down for the longest coz “Black Men(me) don’t cheat”- Travis Scott 2018.
The man friend is a Doctor(which is an added advantage by the way coz he knows the essential parts of the body that should be taken care of with immense dedication) and he has been busy saving the world one medical book at a time, hence his being unavailable the entire year. He informed me of his coming over by the weekend to spend time with the EBUBE(a-Boo-Bae) of his life, Me. I decided to plough the farmlands you know, threw away my old tools, got new work clothes. Some fine ass lacy materials, was destroying my Google search history with reasons why eating pineapple this period was essential, gaddemit I even got a new scent coz we were born ready mehnn and God forbid I disgrace my village people and my ancestors before me. The Man friend finally came through, twas all shades of emotions please. He decided to spend the first day with his mendem and the next day was dedicated to me. We began my day on a high note,I had a LBD on coz I’ve got to be the highest cheerleader here😂 We stepped out for the day and boomm…his crazy ass superior decided to page him about some important shiit that came up at his life work……jfkdkfjfbfkfbdknd…and yet y’all keep wondering why Taraji Henson went crazy in that lousy ass movie Robert was supposed to die in.
My man friend had to leave. He left my ass high and dry dammit😒 Igbo boys are supposed to be amazing for God’s sake😭😭

Fine ass LBD that didn’t use its glory…

The point of this story dear one is, stay single. You have no idea how amazing your life is without having useless expectations that will always be ruined coz MenareScum..
P.s: Oh and yes, I started losing my eggs the very day so thank God for small blessings.
Stay single and flourish with investors gathered left,right and centre. Shine dear Queen.

With love and kisses😂,

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