Dearly Beloved,

This is supposed to be an inspirational blog post. I’m writing to you post the pandemic lockdown we all got to experience in our country, but my love permit me to slap my it is what it is plaster on everything from now henceforth. Before corona hit our country, we were making memes on Twitter and having the time of our lives saying stuff like, ‘the corona can’t survive in our heat abused country’. We were convinced the world tour the Covid was going on was strictly for first class countries. The same way any world tour by a western celebrity would pan out, visit every single place except Africa. I mean these people visit Australia while on tour, despite all the images and news about there, these people still go to see the mendem out there, the shit is wild. So we were safe here in our third world countries telling the rest of the world ‘It’s just God doing his thing and making us feel special this time around.’ So you can imagine how unprepared the rest of us were when the pandemic chose to come through to Africa and Nigeria for that matter.Everything shut down. Never would I have imagined my father commanding me not go to church for Sunday mass, I have never dreamt of it my love. Never!Work stopped, socializing stopped, visiting places… everything came to a standstill and suddenly health workers are now being looked upon as our messiahs. At least something good would come out of it, we can only hope their income is increased while their PPE is also being provided because there is no way on God’s green earth I would have studied medicine just to graduate around this time and be faced with a pandemic. The Lord made me study another science related course gbo. Political Science. I digress, sorry.Due to the impeding rage of the virus in my country, businesses shut down. This means I stopped going to work and there is nothing they would pay me that would motivate me to go to work while everyone else is on forced vacation ok? I’ve been home for the past 2-3 months and I have come to the awakening realization that unemployment is really not fun. Working from home seems like the dream life coz you get to do things on your own hours, in your own space, being mad comfortable typing away at a computer while your boss is on a zoom meeting with the rest of the staff while you had to announce before time ‘how you have no light in your area and he doesn’t pay you enough to have a generator running at odd hours of the day’. Everybody knows the official generator coming on time is 7;30pm. We cannot be wasting fuel as it is. Dearly beloved, I’m here to say “I no do again”. All the money we have been saving for the past year has finished. You think I’m joking? No my love. I am not. The first week of the lockdown got me stockpiling coz no movement everywhere, so you better buy the things you may need and rice because rice would always save you whenever rice is at home.https://www.instagram.com/p/CA_Bpx6nC9m/?igshid=1mgfcvfxsguza

The first week had me suffering from withdrawal syndrome. My body was not used to not having reason to wake up by 4am to prepare for my day and head to work before I’m clocked absent for the day as it’s usually done. Waking by 6am started giving me panic attacks as a result of my alarm not going off as it normally would, two hours earlier. Thank God for his mercies though, began to adjust to the shift in hours my love. By the second week of the lockdown, I was still shouting “Alhaji Funds” at anybody who sent me a picture of anything to buy. Sinzu Money became my nickname coz this money is meant to be spent. “Baby, finish this money” was my anthem.Alas, good things do not always last like the wise people say. I have realized money is meant to be spent but it’s usually whoever is alive that gets to spend this money. I haven’t been to work in two months which simply means that salary has not come to see me as it formerly would. The only way I see me surviving this corona my love, is by making a drastic decision that is obviously 2 years late. Two years you might ask? Well, two years ago I had the body The stallion would have approved of. That body would have had stable doors opened to me had it been properly utilized. Nothing to fret about, it’s never too late to be a baby girl. Some days ago, I came to a beautiful conclusion of being a high maintenance baby girl. I have decided to honor my godmothers before me and have finally chosen to embrace my heritage of being a Premium Igbo woman.What does this mean you ask? lol, my darling, you need to slow down. From the time this blog post was being written, which was between 10-18 days before its official upload on this site, I have fully become a sugar baby. I’m no longer in the market for love or whatever cute funny names you lot title the mushiness that comes with losing one’s brain for another human Chukwu Okike kere. I am no longer looking to be Chukwuminaj nwa Mother Mary nke nàgá church every Sunday and Wednesdays in between. No, I have retired from being a good catholic girl for the next few months. This is my sabbatical.
What does this transitioning entail you ask? It simply means I no longer want to spend my own money. I only want to be pampered and taken kiaof.I want to spend other people’s money and any other money in between. This is no different from crypto currency you see? You invest in me and you get a wonderful return. Trust me, unlike the rest of my kind there is no discrimination over here, men and women are welcome to my office. I do not care for gender; it is believed what is good for the goose is certainly excellent for the gander. so my darling, we are good to go. I plan on capitalizing excessively on this new branch of business and truthfully I do not care for your emotional nor logical input on how you feel over my decision. I do not care about your feelings and my oh my, if you insist on having a stance over my decision, I suggest you write a lengthy dissertation about your emotions, go over it properly and read it to yourself, to be certain you have everything written down correctly. When you are done my darling, I want you to find a brown envelope to put your letter in. brown envelope because we are all about making bold statements at first word introduction and a brown envelope would only scream funds, cash, money… to me and that’s all I want to hear or know about. When done addressing it to the appropriate office, I’ll want you to take that piece of beautifully written garbage and shove it up your ass.

Right now is Premium Woman energy and I do not negotiate with terrorists.

Ndewo!!

Happy New Month ❤

-datHausaIbogeh